blithely skipping back in time

Few things bring me instant joy and ubiquitous goosebumps like browsing through wonderful, dusty old used bookstores, album stores (NOT cds mind you, but actual vinyl records) and really great vintage resale shops for clothes and even furniture.  My ideal home would be a luscious Victorian manor or perhaps something even older; a cottage in the magical English or Scottish countryside.  Something with character, warm inviting rooms, fireplaces and woodburning stoves that you need to use because I love that smell and the sensation of being chilled and needing warmth.  A cozy living room with a great turntable and an epic vinyl collection, endless rows of books upon English library shelves, soft rugs underfoot and addictive sofas and chairs for settling in to read or listen to a great record with a strong cup of tea. 

In some ways, technology has brought us closer and made the world feel smaller.  I'm not always certain whether that is a good thing.  Sure, we can call for help almost anywhere with our trusty cell phones but now we all have unreasonable expectations of instant gratification for everything from returned phone calls to ordered goods.  There was a time, not so long ago, when leaving the house meant you were unreachable, untethered, completely free until you returned to your domicile of land lines and cable TV, if you had moved on from the rabbit ears that is. :)  I love texting back and forth with my love, it's sweet and brings us joy. But perhaps just missing one another all day and storing up that passionate energy until we are united at the end of the day might be a better way to live?

In the film "My Dinner With Andre", Andre Gregory talks to Wallis Shawn about the things in life that make us really feel ALIVE.  He mentions the scrumptious feeling of being cold in his New York flat during the winter and how an electric blanket certainly adds luxury and warmth instantly, but it also replaced the energy and intimacy of dashing under the regular covers to snuggle with a loved one for warmth, sharing in a moment of being totally present and joyously alive and together.  That was when the electric blanket was the latest in new technological comfort gadgets. Nowadays we have baseball caps with built in air conditioners and James Bond style spy pens with secret recording devices that anyone can buy.  But was Andre right? Do these things simply put us into a deeper sleep, a less exhilarating state of being day to day?

People say that their iWhores and Crackberries are necessary for work, and they keep them connected.  I disagree.  Commerce trotted along at a steady pace without these devices and all I see lately are people in cafes and elevators with their heads down, frantically scrolling and typing away to someone far, far away when they are surrounded by other live human beings right then and there but would never know it.  Connected?  I don't think so. 

I often wax poetic about the old days, but I freely admit that I love to browse the internet and check my favorite sites for all things Druidic, yogic, etc.  When used conscientiously, the internet is a marvelous tool.  But when it becomes a necessity, who is working for whom?

I long for simplicity, ancient treasures of daily living, and a feeling of connection to the nature around me, not so much the person living thousands of miles away who is helping me to reset my cell phone.  Perhaps this is simply the swinging of the pendulum, which will eventually make its way to the center of being, where we can return to what is real, what is vital and being one with our surroundings in full consciousness. 

In my heart, this is what I believe...this is what I am creating. 

synthesis

Well, it's funny how things change and yet they don't.  For years I've struggled back and forth between the fruitarian raw lifestyle that beckons to my entire being, and the mind telling me I need a Candida cleanse, and recently I decided to compromise and do the latter as a means to the former.  But I'm finding rather odd to eat things like chicken and eggs again, and without things like that the BED lifestyle means just cooked veg, lowfat. Now, I like tasty cooked veg, but cooking every night sucks ass and I've never been too creative about cooking veg. For the most part you either sautee or bake, and that's gotten old so fast my cravings for cheese and that kind of fatty stuff has been intense.

I've stuck to an almond milk Ultra Imflamx shake for breakfast, which I love. I add a spoonful of instant coffee until I get over my crack addiction, lol, and it's not too acidic because of the shake.  For lunch I've been doing lowfat veg sandwhiches with lots of produce. Very yummy. But then what for dinner? I'd have been sipping banana romaine smoothie all damn day if we could find ANY ripe bananas. Why is this such an issue all the time?! Even when we buy lots and hope they will be tiered and timed for perfect rotational ripeness, that never happens. They all seem to go ripe to bad overnight, like we end up with a 2 day window to eat more bananas than we can or want to. And without bananas a green smoothie isn't so great; they puff up and become more like pudding unless you down them fast, and I can't do that, I need to chew, savor and take my time. How frustrating!

But I'm doing the best I can. When we do things like have some tasty Mexican food out or have some yummy dessert I look at it as something that will be gone one day and I do my best not to beat myself up. But I need to find some goof ripe bananas or some other ideas that will keep me on the lowfat, well combined path towards lowfat raw vegan.

I'm working on it. A work in progress, as always...

ch-ch-ch-ch-changes!

Ah, I love me some old school Bowie, from whom I borrowed my blog title for the day.

For years now I have been working on transitioning into a fruitarian or 100% raw vegan lifstyle, with varying levels of success but never feeling really sure footed in the new way of life.  I know it's still where I'm headed and I know it's what my soul wants, but right now I had to admit that my body wants and needs something else.

The other day I was advising a friend recently diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis on the healing power of a something called The Body Ecology Diet, which is really a lifestyle rather than a quick fix, but for me was nothing short of a miracle 11 years ago, the first time I made the commitment to that lifestyle.  It basically involves eliminating ALL dairy, soy, wheat, all forms of sugar and of course all artificial sweeteners, though Stevia was always ok since it has no bearing on blood sugar.  When I did this upon moving to LA it changed everything about me; I had 10 chronic ailments at the time (everything from REALLY bad asthma requiring e/r visits to vaginitis that never seemed to really go away to horrible acid reflux to getting sick at the drop of a hat) and was a generally snippy, unhappy person. I never knew I had it in me to be otherwise. 6 months after diving into BED land I emerged 40 pounds lighter, feeling like the kid I never was, healthier than anyone I knew and beyond what I even knew was possible. I was reborn. I lived on a modified version of that lifestyle for years quite happily. If I wanted an indulgence I could enjoy that with NO feelings of ill effect whatsoever, as long as I stuck with the basics, and I loved it. I even counseled people going through this very tough adjustment at my old job since it was a prescription for so many ills. Well, when I was talking about this lifestyle in terms of how healing it was and how I still believe it to be so beneficial for anyone not ready for raw bliss, my love said to me "why don't you do that for a while right now then to make the transition into raw easier for you?"  Well, I thought of that a few years ago but I'd feel like such a failure by returning to cooked foods and things like eggs and fish that I'd abandon it and try the fruitarian raw thing again and just swung back and forth, ignoring my body and instincts in favor of unproductive guilt.  This time, when he said that, I felt my entire body perk up when she's been miserable lately.  I've felt many of my old symptoms of imbalance creep up on me lately, and felt sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.

So we talked about it and Brian said he had a feeling that for me to do the BED lifestyle for a while to get back to where I was in terms of strength and balance would be a much better starting point for moving into lowfat raw vegan living.  I agree!  I know some folks have miracle healings when they go right into lowfat raw, including candiasis like mine, but I truly feel I need to return to this healing paradigm in order to make this major life change into 811rv, or close to that even.  Yes, it means eating things like fish and eggs, which I was moving away from, and lots of cooked veg but I have to say that yesterday confirmed our suspicions about my needing this.  My lunch of gently cooked egg yolks with lots of sauteed zucchini was tasty and SOOO satisfying.  I also felt detox symptoms immediately, no 24-48 lag for that as it happens when I'm just a little toxic. Nope, this girl needs to clean house! As with the first time I undertook this program, the worse you feel at first, you more you know it's working; die-off sucks, but then later you get that reborn feeling.  For dinner we shared baked salmon with asparagus. Very tasty and I woke up this morning feeling better than I have for a while.

When you have a major candida overgrowth and are this out of balance, even blended smoothies are too much to digest, but cooked veg and cooked lean protein are more manageable for my body. I also take digestive enzymes and some other supplements to aid the cleansing; triphala, and eventually Paragone (which my body loves) and will use a "zapper" like I did the first time. That's a neat little holistic healing device that works via a 9 volt battery in a little black box with leads and metal rods you hold in each hand for about 45 minutes per day to send a very mild electric current through the surface tissues of the body to literally "zap" buggers and beasties so the body can flush them away.  These little gems can help all sorts of issues, from skin conditions and rashes to feeling a cold coming on.

I'm also going to implement some forms of cardio for getting the blood flowing, sweating out more toxins and cleaning out the lungs.  This week we might hit a roller rink for some fun on wheels! I was a roller addict as a kid and got to be pretty good so that will come back to me with some practice, and what a great way to get cardio, leg and core work! Brian and I could take to the beach for some great outdoor rolling too. :)

Having the full support of my love, who is doing very well in his transition into fruitarianism makes all the difference.  He said not to look at it as going backwards or feeling guilty; this will put me in the perfect state of health and balance to make a nice easy transition to lowfat raw so it will be joyful and empowering. He's right!

It definitely feels strange to be cooking again, but just like last time I embarked on this healing journey I find 7-10 dishes I love that are easy to prepare and just work from there.  And it's hard to go wrong with fresh veg cooked in coconut oil with onions and garlic, or my homemade veggie stew. Once I'm nice and strong inside again, I can digest all the fruit and greens my body wants and get all of my aminos that way. For now, I'll get them via cooked eggs and some fish.  A small sacrifice for the greater good. I know this is the right choice because of how excited I am! Like a surge of electricity going through my body that tells me "yes! this is what we really need right now!"

Like spokes on a wheel, Brian and I are starting from different points but will eventually meet in the middle. ;)

a few thoughts and words on teachers and yogis

Ok, since this is where I get to sound off about things both positive and negative, I'm going to address something very much in my scopes lately.  On the subject of teachers, of all kinds, I am finding a MAJOR pool of complete and utter hypocrites out there.  For example, let's look at the subject of yoga teachers.  Sure, many folks come into a yoga room just looking for a little stress relief, strength building, increase of flexibility or a good "workout". But whatever the intention of the seeker, yoga is NOT merely a physical discipline for better buns. You can come into the room thinking that's all you're getting, but it doesn't work that way.  Yoga is a sacred and ancient tradition about the totality of ones' lifestyle.  To call yourself a yogi or a teacher of yoga implies a great amount of work having gone into your own issues and I think it safe to say that most students presume a certain level of humility and balance exists within their teachers.  Do they have to be perfect? Of course not, but living out here in the land of the celebrity yogis and yoginis I have witnessed and heard many things that make my skin crawl, all coming from this pool of teachers allegedly there to guide you through an often difficult journey into the deepest aspects of yourself via the asanas.  Womanizing, acting like Sean Penn when a student or "civilian" recognizes one of the millionaire DVD wonders, major issues are money that manifests as dishonesty and greed; in short, the kinds of behaviors you really, really do not want to deal with from your yoga instructor.

The first line of Patanjali's Yoga Sutras, one of the most important ancient texts in the world of yoga and the text which allegedly guides all yogis, states that yoga is controlling the thought waves of the mind in order to avoid suffering.  I'm paraphrasing, but that is definitely the gist of it.  Now, I have spoken with male yoga teachers who have rather candidly admitted to dating their way through their students, blaming it on the "skimpy outfits" some women wear in classes and how they are "only human."  Perhaps they are.  But if you are standing in front of me in a yoga room, teaching me an ancient, sacred art for healing and self empowerment I want to KNOW that you have the emotional maturity to cease thinking of students of either gender as sex objects. It's really not that difficult, and if you have studied yoga to the point of glorious acrobatics and earning millions of dollars per year from DVD sales and sold out classes around the world and somehow managed to skip over that opening passage of the Sutras, you need to have your teaching certification revoked to start over again because obviously you missed the most important aspects of the teachings.

Then I have witnessed some baffling things, like single people becoming wealthy self help gurus focusing on how people can create the relationship of their dreams with the right partner for them....sorry, HOW can you claim to help others in this capacity if you yourself have not managed to create or attract this into your life?  Would a smoker pay someone still smoking to teach them how to quit? Of course not, that would be ridiculous.  But watching therapists counsel people on weight issues when they are obese (seen it myself folks) or well meaning folks saying that they are meant to be single until they help others to create wonderful partnerships just sounds like a lot of bullshit to me.  The best teachers in the world teach by example, not gum-flapping.  Walk the talk or it's all meaningless.  I recently asked someone I know who is building a very abundant life as a relationship life coach whether he was in a relationship.  He said he was not, so I naturally asked how he felt he could counsel others when he hasn't managed this for himself yet (and he does want one).  He had all manner of excuses at the ready but they were just that; excuses.  When you resort to excuses, you're already in the major bullshit territory in my opinion.  I didn't confront him, just said I appreciated the answers and found them interesting.  But a few moments later, between that and the recent revelation that a very famous "yogi" was quite the womanizing "dog" (and not an upward dog either, lol) I really felt I had to vent here.

Folks, do your research.  When someone presents themselves to you with the answers for all of your problems, or even one of your problems, make sure they have addressed their own to some pleasant ends.  Otherwise it's really just a charlatan selling snake oil at your expense.  When you see someone radiating with pure joy, who is honest about their challenges and yet managed to create the life they desire and continue to grow and share in those ups and downs, grab them with both hands and never let go because apparently they are incredibly rare.

At the end of the day, a yoga teacher is not necessarily a Yogi.  There is a world of difference.  The student practicing at home with a video-tape might honestly declare themselves to be a true yogi because of their purity of heart and totality in understanding the scope and breadth of the teachings, whereas a teacher of 20+ years might call himself a yogi and really only be teaching a physical workout without living yoga.  Shiva Rea, who IS a shining example of a true Yogini as far as the yoga community reports (even those who are close to her) often says that she is not interested in practicing yoga, rather she is committed to living yoga.  Big difference.

Knowing the two polar ends of the spectrum exist out there, my prayer is that all true yogis and yoginis in the making find honest teachers who are living the path day by day, and that all of the lonely hearts who seek connection realize that their greatest asset in this search lies within and not without.

Namaste...Om Shanti.

so proud of myself!

listen, I think we could all use a little more self love.  even the most enlightened among us find it all too easy to let that critical inner voice take over, or the societal norm of referring to certain behaviors and foods as "bad" or "naughty".  once you slap a judgmental label on anything, you shift the energy of whatever it is. we know this, we're all energy beings living in an energy universe. but it's oh-so-easy to forget and blackslide into small moments of self punishment that build over time and lead to a fractured relationship with ourselves as best.

so I am taking this moment to stop and really hug myself for getting up at 6:15am to do some kundalini yoga for detox before work. it just hit me this very moment how wonderful that is, when I so very much wanted to sleep for another hour.  but I chose another path this morning, and while it wasn't easy and my body felt stiff and sleepy, even sore in spots from too much acidic fare and too little yoga the past few days, I still did my yoga, modified where needed without regard to ego (much, lol), and made sure I did 30 minutes worth so I still had plenty of time for the rest of my morning.  what's nice is that regardless of the rest of the day, I did something really powerful and special for myself already, anything else is just gravy...or the cherry on top of the smoothie. ;)

what I envision as my daily ritual, ultimately, is a full hour of yoga every morning and on some days a second set later in the day as well.  something about a yogic bookend to the day seems really wonderful to me; the a.m. set awakens the body, stills the mind after hours of frantic venting dreams, and prepares your nervous system for the day ahead.  the p.m. set releases all the tension accumulated throughout the day, relaxes the mind again and prepares you for a restful, healing nights' sleep.  doesn't that sound lovely?! and it doesn't have to mean doing 2-3 hours of yoga per day, though personally that sounds like heaven to me.  it can mean a 20 minute set upon waking and a 20 minute set before bed, whatever works.

today I did a morning detox yoga set, specifically focused on loving your liver.  whoever you are and wherever you live, your liver needs love.  thankfully there are yoga exercises specifically designed to offer the support and healing your liver needs, and let's just think for a moment about all that the liver does for us; it filters everything, even bacteria, from the blood, synthesizes glycogen, which is the only fuel the brain can utilize and is the seat of anger energy in the body.  is there anyone out there who never experiences anger? of course not, so emotionally and physically, this is an important aspect of Self to address with yoga and intention.  since I only did the first of 2 sets on this particular yoga DVD this morning, perhaps tonight I will add the second set to fully round out the detox day.

it's the baby steps, the little victories every day that we need to applaud and savor.  positive reinforcement has always worked so much better for me than negative. i think most, if not all, people feel the same way deep down.  stop for a moment and think about what you have done so far today; find at least one thing that you think is really wonderful, no matter how small it may be.  did you skip coffee in favor of tea or fresh juice? did you spend a few extra minutes cuddling with your partner before getting up? did you take a quick shower to conserve water? let someone in while driving when you didn't have to? we all do lovely things all the time that go unnoticed, wthout acknlowledgment. let's change that trend and create a new one.

congratulate yourself on something, anything wonderful you did today, even if just in thought or theory. give yourself an energetic and maybe even a physical hug.  close your eyes and tell yourself "thank you, I love you" out loud, until you BELIEVE it and FEEL it. i know it might feel a bit ridiculous at first, but every cell in your body will vibrate with love, a higher vibrational frequency, and eveything changes. everything.

drop the pebble in the pond, and see what happens.

om shanti

welcoming the changes

ah change, the one constant and something with which we must all contend.  sometimes I love change and dive into it with abandon. sometimes I loathe change and resent that it takes me beyond my illusion of control and out of my comfort zone. fie! but ultimately, it always abolishes stagnation and creates growth, I know this.  once again, I find myself feeling claustrophobic within this redhead persona I created and have lived in for about 6 years now.  it's gorgeous, I get compliments on it every day, but I miss my natural palette. my last attempt to reclaim it ended in such hair damage I went back to henna red purely for the hair healing.  now I am doing it myself, for now anyway, and found I could bump my dark auburm tresses to a fun apricot color. after giving my hair time to rest I will perhaps try the Luminizor my prior hairdresser used toget it to a strawberry blonde...and then I'm almost there, with thickness and waves in tact, back to looking and feeling like the natural ME. ;)

it might sound like a trivial thing over which to obsess, but for me it is symbolic of many aspects, of my self and my life.  redhead me is fun, but it's like wearing a costume in some ways.  blonde me is just me...relaxed, beautiful, natural and easy. and more and more I crave nothing but simplicity and ease in my life, in all things. i no longer feel the need to rage against the machine, create a persona or use energy for anything beyond living and enjoying life in the moment. I want my surroundings to be clean, light and simple. I want my morning routine to be uplifting, inspiring and simple. I want my prosperity flow to be independently generated, abundant, joyful and to come to me with great ease...I want to float with the stream, not swim against it.

even something as superficial as cleaning out my car has yielded a wonderful feeling of overall lightness, and a desire to let that energy spread throughout my life. i literally pulled about 50 pounds worth of crap from that little car and lightened my load...how liberating! and now everything from the size of my purse to my head needs to be simplified...let's see what happens. ;)

ah shiva!

You know, it's funny how we move through different shifts and trends in our lives.  A couple of years ago I bought this fabulous Shiva Rea yoga DVD called Yoga Shakti; filmed by the same DP who shot "Memoirs of a Geisha" so it is visually luscious, and filmed in exotic, breathtaking locations, the DVD itself offers almost 4 hours of yoga chapters you can either do in preset classes or you can create your own class, with or without verbal instructions and always with some of the coolest and loveliest music around.  So I would put it on and watch it and listen to it and think "wow, that looks like fun."  But did I actually DO it? Nope. For some odd reason, I loved watching it but would then turn to other DVDs for practice, go figure.  Until now. :)

Maybe it's the unspoken influence of my new boss, who is good friends with Shiva and considers those her favorite classes on earth. Maybe it was just time for a shift towards more of the powerful feminine energy of Shiva. But suddenly recently I absolutely LOVE creating my customized Yoga Shakti class.  Last night I knew I wanted to experience a good class but felt a bit tired and drained from my cycle, and knowing it was the weekend of the full moon I wanted to honor that energy as well.  I did the lunar cycle yoga; a more yin energy vinyasa flow class that begins with some wonderful fluid warmups you could do anytime, followed by a lovely moon salutation set, then about 20 minutes of forward bends and deep twists for rejuvenation, then meditation and shavasana. I literally passed out at the end; not from over-exertion, but from pure yogic bliss.

The days prior when I felt more energetic I did my own version of a solar cycle; vigorous ashtanga a&b warmups followed by a few Dancing Warrior segments (basically vinyasa with leg extensions and fluid movements within warrior stance), back bend series, followed by the same delicious forward bends and twists, sometimes the inversions chapter as well (a lengthy series of shoulderstands and plough positions). There is quite a variety to be had here; anything from very approachable and gentle yoga to options that can make you sweat your toxins and cares away.  Now I love DOING this more than watching it.

This morning my love and I dove headfirst back into green smoothie heaven after sharing a lovely Indian meal last night.  It was incredibly tasty, that meal, but we both found ourselves terribly thirsty from the salt and really clogged today from the dairy.  But a brekkie of a green smoothie has me feeling much better.

Here was my morning recipe:
1 cup of spring water
an entire head of romaine lettuce
2 stalks of celery
generous handful of fresh mint leaves
4 medium sized ripe bananas

Wow, that was tasty and loaded with minerals, electrolytes and valuable carbs and enzymes.  We had slowly but surely drifted away from our progress into the fruitarian way, but now we're both feeling called back to what makes us feel the most radiant and energized; fresh fruit, leafy greens, minimal raw fats. Pure and simple in every way.  And with my increasing connection to a daily yoga practice, I feel the deep need for a life-giving diet to support this important aspect of my life.  When eating even "healthy" cooked foods I feel less flexible, have less energy and take longer to recover.  With greens and fruit fueling my body I feel and can do anything. I want to fly within these asanas that I love, I want to glide beside my love on our ivory bicycles and I want to feel fearless and inspired to explore this world...but to do that I need some things to come alive for me. On this sunny and gorgeous morning, I feel those things coming to life.

There is NO doubt in my mind or my cells that what we eat creates our experience of life on this earth and in these bodies.  Eating cooked foods, devoid of enzymes and life force, is a tasty slow death. And like drug addicts who know what they are doing will ultimately kill them but cannot seem to stop, leaving cooked food behind forever is a very big adaptation to ask of oneself.  In the end, I suppose it comes down to which "wants" in your life are more powerful, more urgent.  My life is so full of joy, love and endless blessings, I want to be here as fully as possible as long as possible and to feel complete freedom within the human body, rather than feeling trapped and heavy in this temple as I await spiritual liberation.  I want spiritual liberation and freedom within the body to exist simultaneously, united every moment. True yoga.  I want to explore life with my beautiful partner, my furry children, my dear family and friends, and ultimately with our own children. To express my soul's song through my creativity and my work, to see and feel the world and to create a sacred space called home that exceeds even our dreams.  And right now, mercifully, nothing is stronger than that.

Om Shanti. :)

a whole new life

It's sunny, breezy, absolutely beautiful and about 80 degrees in LA today.  It's a day off for me, and lately my schedule is really my own, exactly what I've always wanted; to work when I want and for whom I wish, doing things I enjoy with plenty of time off to really enjoy my life.  Somehow I have managed to create something very new and very special.  My new job will grow from part to full time very soon, but I am able to set my own hours and once I am up and running with these new tasks I can work mostly on my own.  That means anytime I want I could be working at a beach-side cafe from a laptop!  How amazing is that?  I'd said for ages that I wished I could find a way to make a good prosperous living just sitting in cafes, people watching and writing...this job will afford me that luxury. :)  I also have a boss that I adore, who has already inspired me to change my living space into something far more open, airy, clean and magical, and for whom I will enjoy working together when we need to.

Today I got to sleep in with my love, who worked a mid shift, come home, sip fresh squeezed orange juice and do a truly glorious kundalini yoga set while basking in the breezes on this perfect day.  I could hear the trees dancing on the wind as I moved and breathed and sweat to a set designed to give you core power; that means power to do anything you set your intention to, giving you that extra bit of energy and tenacity to follow through. It's one of those kundalini sets that is hard to describe and to an observer would look very simple or slow.  Far from it, this set had me shaking, focusing on specific muscle groups, stretching while I strengthened, and at the end I now feel tighter, taller, lighter and totally blissed out.  The meditation at the end is fabulous as well; a powerful chant with special breath and movement that I feel I could do forever, and I felt it in my core as well.  I believe Ravi and Ana are so on the money when they say that core power is the missing element in so many peoples' attempts at self-improvement.  I agree!  The core/navel/solar plexus area is so crucial to so many aspect of our lives, both physically and metaphysically.  This is a set I HATED when I first bought the DVD a few years ago, but now I feel called to it and I really enjoyed it today.  Admittedly, since I have been so inconsistent in my own practice and eating some acidic cooked foods, I found myself to be rather weak, stiff and achy.  The miracle of this yoga is that it works so fast!  Within minutes I felt aches dissipate, I felt areas of tension open up and allow movement and flow, and I felt energy coming from my center.  I would like to make this a daily sadhana for me for a while, until I feel called to another set or feel like rotating this with others like the Warrior Workout, Solar Plexus Set, Beauty Body, etc.

I also decided recently to let go of the attachment I have to becoming a teacher of yoga and just focusing purely on cultivating my own daily practice, so my yoga practice becomes as much a part of my everyday life as breathing.  When I get to the point where I would no more skip my yoga practice than skip brushing my teeth in the morning, I will know I have created something truly special in my life that will serve me for all of my years on this earth.  Singular focus, sole intention...soul intention. ;)

Sat Nam

a very good day

Something in me has made an important connection; that eating lots of raw leafy greens really does build muscle and makes your cells very happy.  I'm feeling called to lots of green smoothies right now, and here's what I've had today so far:

green smoothie- red leaf lettuce, water and bananas (about 6 and I split the blender with my honey)
banana smoothie - 5 or 6 bananas in water (didn't finish it all, but had most of it)
1/2 large ripe cantaloupe (wow this was yummy!)
green smoothie - most of a head of red butter lettuce, water, about 4 or 5 bananas

I'm not sure what I'll have tonight, but this is a lovely day of green goodness that I will repeat as long as it feels this good.  I need more water, ran out, but I'll be all over that tonight and tomorrow.  And keeping the caloric intake up is definitely key, which usually means eating or drinking before I feel the need and being well stocked with ripe fruit and lots of greens.

The other day I made a lovely dish of fettucine, fresh basil, fresh parsley, sauteed mushrooms and onions, goat cheese and some parmesan....tasted wonderful, I ate one nice portion, Bri had two big portions, and for some reason that dish kicked my ass! I ended up purging just to stop the discomfort in my belly. No bueno. It could have been the cheese being too much or the bit of sauce maybe...who knows, but my body very loudly and clearly said NO. Then when I had fruit and smoothies it was fine. Had a veggie sandwhich later and that was fine too. And obviously the food was all fresh and good or Bri would have felt it too.  I chalk it up to my body really wanting and needing the simplest, lowest fat, living foods; things that are easy to digest and loaded with energy. The pasta, while tasty, was none of those things and I guess after months of transitioning I've passed a point of no return. I think that's wonderful!  When I eat fruit, greens, simple things, I feel terrific. I can handle that! :)

opening the floodgates

It seems the old saying "when it rains, it pours" it true.  A few weeks ago I was a bit nervous (ok, very nervous) about my untethered employment status; I had left my old job, had nothing permanent lined up yet and my temp agency had yet to call with anything for me, beyond a long term gig that would mean working until about 9pm every night, to which I said "no thank you."  I started to wonder if I had erred in that one but it felt all wrong and my whole reason for the leap of faith was to create something wonderful and new, not take a job with worse hours, the same pay and the same industry environment.  No, I decided to trust my choices and do more yoga or laugh more with my love to get me through the doubting moments.

Well, my horoscopes all said that late last week things would suddenly flow for me in terms of jobs, etc and that seems to have been an understatement.  This leap has afforded me some MUCH needed downtime at home, a little "staycation" for the gal who hasn't had a real vacation since 2005 when I went to London.  It has also allowed me to see just how strong the relations are that I formed with former employers.  When a prospective employer called 3 of them yesterday for references, she said they could not have been more glowing and wondered how much I had paid them, lol.  I knew those references were sound and that I had done good work at each position, but I get a bit misty actually at the thought of just how lovely those old connections are.  So much laughter and fun with each and every one, and it's so beautiful to hear that they feel the same way about me.  I just want to hug them all; Jonathan, Michael T and Brett. :) 

This week seems to be high tide for me; I now have a few plumb choices as to what my next job/s will be and to whom I hitch my wagon for a while.  I'm pretty sure I know who and what that is already, but tomorrow I will know more with two live interviews, one of which is really to seal a deal.  But having this bevvy of choices and people all vying for my talents makes me feel amazing!  When I was at my last gig, I felt as though that company valued its staplers more than its employees, despite my wonderful supervisor.  Now I feel truly valued, which is exactly what I wanted to create.  And I see something totally new, NON-industry and really exciting lining up for me, finally.  At the same time, I will be able to work for one of those marvelous old bosses for a week for some quick cashola, and I know my temp agency can keep me busy and very liquid at any time.  The feeling of freedom this gives me is incredible! 

This is all further proof that my leap of faith was rewarded, as I believe they always are, and that none of us ever need to be resigned to a life of compromise and mind-numbing jobs we hate.  Never!  Life is precious and we are powerful beyond measure.  I am positively busting with gratitude right now, mostly to my love, who supported this experiment and bold leap with his whole heart and soul, making it possible for me to do this.  Angel, I love you soooooo much!  Miracles happen every single day, all day long and you are living proof! ;)

high fat IS the enemy!

At least it is for me! If I ever had any doubts about the validity of the benefits of LOW fat raw vegan, or cooked vegan for that matter, as opposed to HIGH fat of raw or cooked anything, my body has voted in no uncertain terms.  Within minutes of consuming anything high fat, raw or cooked, I feel queasy, tired, and bloaty. Blech!  Conversely, when I stick with lowfat vegan, even cooked (like my delicious veggie stew!), I feel light, energetic, young and strong.  When I up the ante there to lowfat raw vegan, meaning fruit really, I feel like superwoman! And while I always thought I was more of a sweets person, I'm seeing that it is tough to get off the high fat wagon. Tough, but not impossible and WELL worth it. :)

This week things they are a-changing! In so many wonderful ways. I'm working a 2 day temp gig, have a couple of lovely part-time gigs lining up for me, started a 40 day sadhana again (this one better stick, lol!) last night with my love and Yoga Beauty Body (amazing overall set that kicked both our asses, and felt great), and we have a whole new direction in life together. No details on that one, don't want to dilute the magic at play, but we're happy campers. :) So much can change in an instant.

Friends around me are going through some horribly difficult times and it serves as a bold reminder to love every moment, express and feel gratitude every day and really cherish our time here on earth.  One day, we will miss it, even if that's hard to believe sometimes.  Mama earth offers us a truly unique and wondrous experience.

I cannot wait for day 2 of our sadhana tonight; nothing makes for better sleep than kundalini yoga before bed! And man did I wake up easily and with lovely energy this morning because of it.

It's a breezy, beautiful day in LA; highs in the low 70s, lows in the mid 50s...so perfect. I am enjoying my time here while it lasts. xoxo

Solar Power!

This will sound like some sort of propaganda for Ana Brett and Ravi Singh's DVDs but I really wanted to share something; for my own benefit of reminder and to offer a powerful method to anyone who needs it.

Lately, I've been in something of a funk.  I know what it is; it's being in that strange in-between place where you've left an old way (that no longer suits you) behind, and have yet to manifest the new life fully enough to be immersed in it yet.  Some call it leaping into the void, others have called it living the split.  I call it the pits at times! Feeling pulled in 100 possible directions, not able to hear my own inner guidance which always points me in the direction for my highest good, and having a simultaneous feeling of both fatigue AND excessive electrical energy with no outlet. Yikes. Sort of like PMS with an existential crisis kick, how lovely.  But I get it, I observe it and I let it flow. Sort of, lol. (Honey, if you're reading this, just keep smiling!)

I have been looking for new employment for a few weeks now and was trying to stay open to a couple of vastly different scenarios; moving to Portland within weeks or even days, or staying in LA and starting a new gig someplace I will enjoy and feel honored for my true worth. Tall order it seems in this town, but I have faith.  Well, not having a focus has been keeping me from manifesting something, and the fears around an abrupt move and lengthy drive finally got the best of me.  We decided to stay put for now, save, search and make a nice orderly, relaxed move within a year at the most. I think, lol. Anyway, it lets me focus on the here and now, gives me someplace to direct my energies.  But still, I've been feeling frazzled and old addictions and cravings have been out of control, and I just haven't even given a damn really. I've kept it vegetarian and mostly vegan but you can have some pretty unhealthy things even in that realm. My recent batch of homemade and hearty veggie stew was fabulous, healing and my love helped me top finish a huge pot within about 2 days where that used to last me a week, but the rest of the time...oy.

So just now I took a stand with myself, hearing the wise words of the great teacher, Sri Pattabhi Jois who said "Practice...and all is coming."  I cannot deny that when I have a daily practice of any yoga I suddenly find myself moving with grace and strength, making informed choices rather than subconscious ramblings, and feeling a sense of openness and love towards everything and everyone.  So why the HELL don't I do this daily then, especially when I'm now home daily, cyber hunting for new employ?  Resistance.  Plain and simple.
Old patterns are like living entities and they know what habits give them power and what habits threaten their very existence.  If you were a nasty little habit who knew that when your "host" did yoga it meant the end of power for you altogether, you'd provide ample energy towards resistance too.  And so it goes.  Your higher self knows the answer is daily practice, it works beyond a doubt to where I only want things in and on my body that are truly life giving and as simple as nature gets; mainly fruit and greens.  But those old reliable friends, my patterns of comfort and numbing that kept me going in their own strange way, well they want to live.  But as I said, I took a stand.  After all, who's in charge here?! This is MY life, and lately I feel like I spend more time thinking about and planning how I WILL live it than actually living it. I want no part of this anymore.  Those patterns served their purpose for a time but now I bless them, thank them and let them goooo!

I put on a DVD by Ana Brett and Ravi Singh called Solar Power.  It's incredible; about an hour of vigorous but very safe and approachable Kundalini yoga with lots of breath of fire for cleansing and rejuvenation, and some truly miraculous moves and meditations.  I'd forgotten just how much every cell in my body loves this work.  I love all Kundalini and all Hatha, but this DVD calls out to me right now.  The Solar Power DVD focuses a lot on opening and strengthening the solar plexus; the epicenter for your nervous system and the nadis and is said by yoga to be the seat of power, focus, fearlessness and WILL. I'll take two of each please....maybe three or four of each?

So I got down, found myself far more rusty than I thought, and yet continued on because it felt great and I KNOW it does its job.  That is the magick, the alchemy of yoga; if you just breathe and do your part, the poses do the work for you. If you trust in the wisdom of the poses and the teachings, then your part is relatively simple. I sweat, I shook, I burned, but I also felt broken open, released, melted and FULL OF LIFE.  This is how I want to feel all day, every day...well, a more fit version, but with this underlying sense of life force and pure joy.

Is this a revelation for me? No. I've known that a daily practice was the key for me for ages, but there is always a turning point at the beginning of true, deep, permanent change.  People often describe me as looking and sounding like a faery

Sat Nam

new days, new ways!

Ah, back in the "olden" days, when cell phones weren't even a concept yet, we had no caller ID and no one had heard of the World Wide Web yet, I was a gym rat.  Yep, I not only spent an inordinate amount of time pumping iron and leaping about in step aerobics classes, not to mention tackling THE GAUNTLET for up to 45 minutes (no easy feat folks), but I also worked in a health club.  It was a dream job, except of course for the horrible hourly wage and meager tips (about $5 per day if I was lucky), but I worked the juice bar at an old school club that was slow to dead during the day, watched MTV on a giant screen TV all day (back when they played MUSIC VIDEOS and there were a few white folks on there who were allowed to be dorky white folks) and ate free muffins and bagels.  It wasn't a bad setup.  I'd work from 6:30am to about 3pm, then have the club to myself during the slowest possible time.  I even got one of the personal trainers, a bodybuilder, to train me a few times per week for free, out of the goodness of his heart.  The trainers there taught me a lot, and they were also self-taught, no college degrees in exercise physiology, etc.  Nope, these folks knew their shit inside and out because it was their consuming passion, and I got to study with them every day.  One thing I learned that changed the way I trained forever was that the order in which you exercise makes all the difference in terms of results and energy.  For example; most workout classes and DVDs have you do cardio first, then toning or strength training.  That actually works backwards and leaves you feeling more tired than you need to be with fewer results and here is why; your body burns fuel in a specific and predictable order.  Carbs always go first, it's the easiest and most abundant fuel source, making it also the most efficient fuel source and the body always strives for 100% efficiency, as long as we stay out of its way.

Next comes protein use, which takes a lot of energy to convert into a usable fuel source so it's not terribly efficient but it certainly aids in rebuilding muscles.  Then finally, after tapping out the stores of carbs and protein, the body goes to town on the stored fats in the body.  So let's look at why it makes all the sense in the world to do strength and resistance training BEFORE cardio; since strength and resistance training are anaerobic forms of exercise they are usually also rather strenuous and require large amounts of fuel to keep you going.  We've probably all felt that wonderful but also challenging exhausted feeling after a good weight training or strength training session.  Having a full store of carbs to draw upon means you can do more, feel better and be ready to then use that protein store for rebuilding muscle tissue.  Ok, so then you finish, do a little stretching (I hope!) and move on to whatever your cardio of choice is, meaning something aerobic.  If your carb and protein stores are already tapped out thanks to the first half of your workout, voila! Rather than doing cardio for 20-30 minutes and still coasting on carbs with nary a fat store accessed, your body will turn to fat stores right off the bat because it needs some kind of fuel.  It's good old Greek logic, and when they taught me this simple truth, it changed my life! I was able to enjoy training more thanks to better energy throughout and easier recovery (another nice side effect of the right fuel for the right exercises) and the results I saw were incredible!! I could do far less pushing and see 10 times the results. Most exciting.

Buuuut, I find myself now a reformed gym rat, not wanting to spend hours at a gym, nor do I want another big treadmill or more equipment in my home.  I enjoy having a home that is, apparently anyway, machine and steel free.  I also find the whole concept of creating scar tissue in the muscles as a means of building muscle and burning calories to be a rather self abusive way to go about it.  Call me crazy, but I do.  I truly believe that you can be strong, flexible, energetic, lean, toned and have incredible endurance without old school exercises.  Now that being said, if you truly love that old school stuff then I also believe that changes things; intention is everything and as long as you love what you do the results will be far greater than if you are grudgingly going through the motions.  I can no longer find the same joy in being at the gym or living strapped to equipment, but I very much want to regain my strength, my lean body and my incredible energy.  My plan? A whole new ballgame.

What I am embarking on now is a combination of strength training, flexibility training and cardio that looks and feels very, very different.  I will do yoga FIRST, allowing my body to use those carb and protein stores as I move through vinyasas, power yoga and/or kundalini, and THEN I will move onto creative cardio like ecstatic or trance dance, maybe even some of the step aerobics I always loved. That never felt like work to me, I would smile, giggle and bounce through those classes like a giddy schoolgirl because I loved the choreography and the movement so much.  The fact that it created a cardio monster with strong legs and glutes was a nice side effect.  So that might be something I resurrect as well.  I also have this gorgeous 18 speed bike and once my love and I are in Portland (hopefully soon) where it is FAR safer to ride, that can and will be an alternate source of joyful cardio for me.

So the bottom line is, it's the same wisdom, the same approach to overall conditioning and fitness, just using different tools to get me from here to "there".   This will also make it a very enjoyable process.  I won't deny I got a major thrill out of my gym rat time; I grew to love the sound of clinking metal or the cardio machine room humming away and I oddly enjoyed my callouses and the smell of lubricant all over the gym.  Maybe someday it will call out to me again but I doubt it.

Today, I start with a great Kundalini set for the chakras, followed by some really exquisite and invigorating ecstatic dance (Shiva Rea, here I come!).  Should take roughly an hour at the most and will leave me feeling supple, energized and blissed out.  I never felt those things after my 2 hours at the gym.  I'm glad I had those experiences too, they formed who I am now and gave me great benefits then.  But I am even MORE glad that I am having these experiences now. ;)

credit checks for employment??

I have two words for ANY employer, friend or foe, who asks for a credit check or legal background check before considering someone for employment; SUCK IT.

This started to become a random request a few years ago out here and I did agree to it once, but it was also after a 4 hour interview where it was quite clear we loved one another and the job was mine.  Today, I would make a difference choice, but they ran my credit with me right there to observe and make sure it was kosher, then we shredded it on the spot.  My credit was shaky then but it made no difference to them; they were looking more for warning signs like fraud issues, evictions, court cases, etc. I've never had anything even remotely resembling that, but I do generally have acts of civil disobedience.  When a mega corporation puts the screws to me because they figure they can and I can do fuck-all about it thanks to 2 year contracts and monopolies on certain services, I say to hell with them and toss my cell phone into the garbage.  Does this mean I am an untrustworthy employee? Far from it.  I have such a deep moral well I would rather trash my own credit than allow a corrupt organization to disregard contract terms and treat me like a slave.  When I see a person or a company behaving THAT far out of integrity, I take a stand, credit be damned.  But I pay my rent on time, keep my utilities going and protect privacy for anyone or anything, especially when it comes to work.

I have held positions that involved personal work to the degree that I still have my old bosses' house keys (at his insistence, just in case) and access to their social security numbers, credit card info, etc. Have I ever bought even so much as a cup of coffee without my boss saying to do so? Of course not!  How morally bankrupt have we become as a society that employers now feel completely justified in requesting legal background searches, drug tests and credit checks? NO ONE is entitled to this information, although I do admit that when working with children or other such sensitive positions I could see the need for a background search.  Still, it touches on basic privacy issues in my book and it bothers me to no end to see how commonplace it has become to see want ads for administrative assistants, secretaries, etc requiring this kind of hoop-jumping bullshit.  I will NEVER agree to this or even consider working for someone who views this as necessary.  This is why you check references people; you take the time to CALL the former employers, to VERIFY the information on the resume, to check with personal references as well and guess what....it works! Sure, some real shifty folks can slip through those cracks, but I'd rather risk that as an employer than ask every applicant to give up their personal privacy.  So what if I smoke pot on the weekends? So what if I defaulted on a student loan?  Incidentally, I did neither of those things, but you get my drift.

Whether your credit and background are sterling isn't the issue either.  You could be drug free with the world's best credit and I would urge you NOT to submit to this kind of fascist employment screening.  If our work histories are honest, accurate and laudatory, it is none of your business what we do on our own time.  Period.

Due diligence is one thing...invasion of privacy as common practice is something else entirely.  And to this I say NO WAY!!

into the void!

And I mean that as a positive statement of utter glee, lol!

I sit writing this at an empty desk, across from the cubicle I have occupied at Turner Broadcasting for about 2 years.  I had a good time, laughed a lot every day, actually liked my boss and made enough to keep me afloat, though never enough to put any aside.  This means that when I gave my notice about 3 weeks ago after some soul searching and discussion with my love, I was taking a tremendous leap of faith.  I still am.  My temp agency might have a gig for me any minute now, they usually come through and like to keep me working, and there are other irons in the fire I don't want to jinx (or dissipate the energies of either, in witchy terminology) but I am literally falling into the lap of the Universe and trusting...that I will land someplace just right for me very soon, that it will all be and already is a-ok, that this was an empowering choice. 

While there are a handful of people here I will dearly miss and for whom I feel great affection, I find it rather easy to slink away like Batman later.  Most folks leave after an awkward and obligatory cake and champagne sendoff in conference room A (though the recent goodbye to a much beloved employee who is now living his dream of being a pilot was incredibly authentic and deeply moving) which I managed to duck thanks to hedging on my last day as much as possible.  Few people here realize I will be gone for good in a matter of moments, just the way I like it. ;) 

There will be a few hugs, some will actually be genuine (Brett, Sammy, Beth, etc), some will be polite, and others will wonder in a week or so where I am and whether I'm out sick or on vacation, lol. I know of a few who will celebrate my being gone; I ruled over Brett's kingdom with an iron fist.  But tomorrow, as I sit in a cafe watching people, job hunting and resume tweaking, I will feel calm, peaceful and know this was the right choice.

A few months from now, maybe a year at the most, my love and I will find ourselves living the dreams we share in Portland.  For now, we prepare, observe, enjoy the last trips to Santa Monica and Topanga, knowing one day it will all be a golden memory....and a bittersweet departure.

Leaping into the void takes confidence and courage, and I found my most unsettling moments to be right after I make the declaration to myself and the Universe.  Then came an odd sense of tranquility and feeling incredibly powerful.  Knowing your worth, inside and out, is intoxicating.  I am grateful to know this feeling now and to have come to this place. 

This is the alchemy of "age" and the passage of linear time here on earth; I feel I become younger and more childlike and free by the day yet the strength, courage and wisdom are extraordinary.  I've never been as bold or guided by self love as I am now.  This is unlimited being, pure being and the way of living I have waited for all my life.  I sense the beginning of something new and amazing...this is the first step.  One giant leap into the beautiful unknown. I'll let you know where I land. ;)

limiting ideas from limited minds

I wanted to rant for a moment about the subject of genetics, and by that I mean the incessant scapegoating I see in blaming overeating, emotional issues, food addiction and inactivity upon this allegedly irrefutable scientific paradigm.  First, let me just say, BOLLOCKS.  Man is simply another form of animal life on this planet.  Sure, we like to think we're superior for reasons we've created with the brains we only use about 10% of, if we're brilliant that is, but we are, in fact, mammals folks. Animals with fur and teeth and instincts and basic traits just like all the other animals on this planet.  The de-evolution of our species thanks to "civilization" makes no difference to this fact whatsoever, so we can easily look to nature for a template of who and what we really are underneath the scented soaps, shoes, clothes and frapuccinos. 

In nature, in the animal kingdom (and by this I mean WILD animals, not domestic ones which we have tainted with canned cooked/dry foods and confinement) there is NO obesity, NO cancer, NONE of the aspects of aging and cellular breakdown or "middle age spread" that we use as excuses and accept as "normal" on a daily basis.  Now with our domesticated beasts, thanks to vaccinations, processed and cooked foods pumped full of shit they neither want nor need naturally and lives of general inactivity, yes, our companion animals now share our diseases; from obesity to osteoporosis and everything in between.  Animals are also HIGHLY empathic and tend to take on OUR issues, very likely as a method of reflecting them to us but we are seldom aware of it enough to benefit from it and help ourselves and our furry families.

WILD animals are beautiful, healthy and always the perfect weight/size.  It's only when we get involved that things go downhill for them, lol.

Now, having heard many animal parents (I won't call them owners) laugh off the obesity of their animals as the result of aging or genetics I pondered this intently and could not get my mind around this.  It's utter and complete rubbish.  Animals are no more meant to become fat and diseased with the passage of time than we are.  Cells are constantly regenerating, and as long as we do not deplete our body's enzyme stores by consuming cooked foods and processed crap we can and do stay healthy, young and beautiful for far longer than people realize.  Animals are no different.  Humans and animals share more than we can even comprehend right now.  And while science likes to tout its findings as "truth", we have to keep perspective on this folks because scientists are just humans, and right now we are still SO very much in the dark we actually still believe there is "junk DNA" (not the case at all), that the appendix and tonsils serve no important purpose and can therefore be removed as superfluous hindrances, and that we understand and can comment upon the subject of genetics.  Long ago it was acknowledged by some of the greatest thinkers of our time that man only uses a tiny percentage of our brain, so while on the one hand we outright admit that we're working with less than half a load we also profess to know "the truth" and how it all works.  Well, our minds are not there yet.  Our spirits, however, always know; always have, always will. 

It is my personal belief, coming from that deep resonance inside connected to my true Self, that we are nowhere near understanding genetics, DNA and human physical evolution yet.  Not with our minds anyway.  There is NO genetic predisposition to anything that relegates us to certain doomed paths.  Ever.  Every moment we are our own gods creating our own realities, our own universes.  It's all about choice and belief.  What you believe, you create, period.  Your conscious mind, which is only about 10% or less of the equation, can believe something positive, but if the subconscious aspect of your mind, which is clearly driving the bus, believes otherwise guess who wins?  We are hypnotically programmed via the media and the people all around us to accept science as law.  It's a fascinating area of discovery, but it's in the infancy stages compared to where we will find ourselves very soon.  I equate it to looking into a beautiful snow-globe and somehow convincing yourself that it's actually the entire Universe, lol. 

We have far more power than most of us can even imagine right now, which is unfortunate but I do see that changing; people are awakening to their true power and one day will cease to look to others for rescue.  There is a tremendous shift going on right now; on this planet, in our Universe, and we will never be the same or be able to go backwards, and it's a GOOD THING!!! One day things like invasive surgeries, drugs, "elections" and all facets of limited mind will be a memory.  Personally, I will roll around in the grass like my beautiful old furry sister Cotton (the sweet puppers I grew up with and loved so much) and dance all day long at the feeling of new freedom.

Maybe it's the fruit talking.  ;)

a little goes a long way

This morning something unusual and wonderful happened.  My body missed Kundalini yoga so much, since I've been focusing on Hatha forms like Power Yoga lately, that I actually awoke before my alarm, unable to go back to sleep and unable to think of anything OTHER THAN getting up and doing some yoga. Yes, I was sleepy and wanted to snooze a bit longer, but I couldn't!  I got up, pulled on comfy jammies, popped in Ravi and Ana's classic DVD, "Kundalini Yoga: Total Tune Up" and did the fabulous 30 minute "Warm Up & Open Up" set.  I always love this one as a morning quickie that covers a lot.  It has all of the classic warm up moves I LOVE; Sufi Grinds, Spinal Flexes, Spinal Twists, Crow Pose, Butterfly, Open Leg Stretch, Sciatic/Life Nerve Stretch, lots of Breath of Fire...so perfect for first thing in the morning!  That really felt amazing, and for the first time in my life there was no sense of making myself get up to do it; I HAD to do it, I WANTED to do it and couldn't resist. :)

And while I could easily say I have covered my yoga bases for the day with that, I actually cannot wait to dive into more after work; either Yoga Beauty Body or Yoga Bliss Hips...both are amazing in their own ways.  YBB includes what Yogi Bhajan called "The Magnificent Seven Series" that women especially (but men too) should do every single day for long, radiant lives.  YBH is great for dealing with the tension stored in the hips, often related to fear of the unknown and fear of moving forward in life, and also includes some great venting/emotional release work and great heart openers...it really does bring you into Bliss. So I will see which of those beckons later.

Today I feel very calm, positive, unflappable.  I have a mad dash across town at lunchtime, checking on a job lead that could be just the ticket. ;) I also have an interview on Monday and really liked the woman I spoke with about it, she spoke my language, using words like "resonates", lol. Funny the little things you pick up on to recognize "your people".  That will be fun for me, I find the company intriguing and will share more later. 

When the Portland gig I was attached to disappeared on me yesterday right after reading some not-too-flattering things about the person (divine timing anyone?? lol) I was very reactive about it all...and then I felt a total shift; calmness, reassurance, and a new plan of action.  We stay here for a little while longer, continue to save and scout and prepare, and do the move this year anyway, without the mad dash for a change.  Since all of my moves prior to this involved stress or just mad dashes at the last minute, I'd love to change that pattern and create a new one.  Well orchestrated, perfectly timed, peaceful and joyful moves. :)  I'm also proud of myself for getting over the reactive moments pretty quickly and finding Plan B so quickly and with such openness. 

I tell you this folks...yoga is NOT about being flexible, or strong, or beautiful...it's about letting go, finding your center when it seems impossible and living from your spirit, not your fears. And even a tiny little bit goes a very long, long way.

so much transition!

As it looks to be just weeks away from our big move from LA to Portland, my love and I are both moving forward in our fruitarian shift AND enjoying final hurrahs at some much beloved places in LA we shall both miss; Gilbert's, The Water Lily Cafe in Topanga, etc. 

Yesterday we had an extraordinary day!  We slept in (mmmm) took our time getting up and ready, I enjoyed a Whorebucks ritual I've not partaken in for ages, then we went to Gilbert's in Santa Monica so my love could enjoy his lifelong favorite meal there. I wasn't terribly hungry, I just picked at a few things. Oddly, I find lately my appetite is rather small and cravings very nondescript. Then we went to the beach, or the Santa Monica area that overlooks the ocean, and GOD that's gorgeous! The weather was spot-on spectacular and we even found legal free parking RIGHT where we wanted to be, just as we pulled up. I love those simlpe moments of serendipity and flow. After ocean-gazing and people watching while my love snapped gorgeous pics, we headed up PCH, which always reminds me of my long lost friend Mac. It was his dream to come visit Los Angeles and drive up the coast in a convertible while listening to the Beach Boys at full blast. Well, I can't stand the Beach Boys so I skipped that part but I always send him love when I find myself zooming up PCH on exquisite days like that. :)

We went through Topanga and stopped at my old favorite cafe, The Water Lily, for a little while. I used to go there every weekend and sat for HOURS inside, with my trusty laptop and headphones, listening to music while writing my novels, and watching the locals. Such a strange community, Topanga. I find it to be so incredibly beautiful and healing to be there, but the locals are mostly assholes with money or the Birkenstock granola crowd, neither of which are very welcoming clans. Nevertheless, I've loved it there for a long, long time, and had a tearful moment realizing that very soon the Water Lily would be but a beautiful memory for me. Thankfully, my love took some lovely pics inside for me to cherish.  I'd love for us to do the same at the Inn somehow before we go, one last brunch hurrah, creekside.

But today we are on a routine we are testing out and using as a simple, cleansing and inexpensive way to live for a while; fresh raw oj all day, bananas and banana smoothies at night. Bananas are filling, yummy and super cheap. OJ isn't cheap, but about $5 per day for me, double for him, and oddly satisfying. It's making sure the water intake stays high and we keep energy intake up that makes it work. And yoga of course!

So whether we move to Portland in a few weeks or a few months, a major life change is underway and we both feel the shifts already, in a very positive sense. Where a week or so ago I was VERY stressed and worried, I feel wonderfull at peace, excited and thrilled about it all. I cannot wait to see the apartment we land in and in which we create a beautiful new space, and I cannot wait to see my old friends from high school who live up there there...even my monthly horoscope on Astrologyzone.com echoes this feeling with some incredible news about Pluto in my chart this year and for the next few years, making this the biggest time of positive change in my life and the time where I realize my TRUE worth and true callings, and actually live them, finally. I've been feeling that and saying that, and there was my monthly horoscope telling me I was right. ;)

yoga hangover...the best kind

I've coined a phrase for the incredible feeling of blised out sleepiness that follows when I return to a vigorous yoga practice after being away for too long, or when I up the ante on my practice...yoga hangover.  It's when you sleep like the dead and find you could sleep for 12 hours easily, not because of muscle fatigue, but because my body is then experiencing what I can only describe as a deep cosimic sigh...like she's exhaling and whispering "aaahhhhhhhhh", and wants time to decompress, unwind, heal.  Yoga does such a wonderful job of releasing tension through breath, movement and deep stretching, I find that it's like going from manic to stoned, in terms of physical relaxation, looseness and that sweet, easy feeling. I even get the giggles more than usual, which is saying a lot. 

And like the day after a good pot bender, yoga hangovers require lots of water...helps to flush out the toxins expelled from the muscles during practice. 

I also noticed that after my practice last night, thanks to the beautiful twists, back bends and forward bends that my organs really felt lighter. It relieves any bloating going on almost instantly, like squeezing out a full, dirty kitchen sponge, and my metabolism sped up to where I eat the tuna I've been craving nonstop for WEEKS with my love and felt NO sluggishness, bloating or signs of the miscombined meal. Brilliant! 

Sadly, yoga hangover disappears after a few day to a week of regular practice; my body adapts so quickly and easily, I love her so!  Buuuuut, in place of the hangover I feel bouncy, energetic, bubbly and supple.  Then the next time I take my practice up a notch, I get the yummy hangover again...the ONLY hangover that I welcome and enjoy.

I had a wonderful mini-epiphany during my practice as well.  As I was doing what Bryan calls prayer twist, one of my favorites that gives you a deep twisting stretch while being a balancing pose and stretching the hip flexors and legs, I heard a little voice in my head say "you can go deeper in this, your body will follow your eyes." I've never thought that before! So where my gaze was usually straight ahead of me, my eyes floated upwards to the ceiling and suddenly, without my trying at all, I was twisting more deeply than I knew I could! It was incredible! It's magickal moments like these that made me fall in love with yoga in the first place. I really get to explore this body and see just how many amazing things she can do. :) So from now on, I shall let me gaze float and my body follow on its own, see what happens.

nowhere to go but up

well, the bright spot in my current self made predicament is that one day while teaching yoga and/or helping to support others through lowfat raw food transitions I will absolutely know what it feels like to hit bottom and feel as though you have lost control.

recently, fueled by work stress and overall stress related to my leap of faith, I've found cravings for really unhealthy foods uncontrollable.  I know the key elements for a happy, healthy life for me are water, yoga and fruit, in that order I'd say. seems I need daily yoga to inspire me to immerse myself in the fruitarian way and without it, I stray. And no I did not mean for that to rhyme.

But as I sit here, or lie here, with a mid-back spasm of my own making, feeling bloated, acidic and utterly awful, I know how I got here.  I also know what I want, what it takes and how I feel in that place.  in some ways it's a catch 22 because i need daily yoga to keep me on the nutritional path in which I thrive, but until I am on that path, i never feel energetic or well enough to do yoga, and I also never feel satiated, for obvious reasons. it's like being stoned, where you eat th crap you want but still keep coming up with new cravings, never feeling like you hit the spot. that's how I feel lately.

this is a valuable experience for me though, i see that clearly.  it is also a turning point. and with the way I feel right now, in this moment and in general, i know what I must do; I must put my love for my body first, I must make eating a spiritual act requiring beauty and life force in all that I eat and drink, and I must embrace a daily practice to carry me from here to there, lovingly, joyfully.

the life i am creating now, through knowing this and finally honoring its importance, will bring happiness and bliss beyond measure. fleeting sensual pleasures cannot replace these truths; we are only meant to eat fresh, ripe, juicy fruits, daily yoga is  tonic for the nervous system and an ancient form of self healing that always delivers what it promises and whatever you ask of it, and the time is always NOW to do your best for yourself, to love yourself.

water, yoga, fruit. this is how i will begin each and every day. i know i will bloom in this like a rose.:)

kicked in the teeth

That's how I've been feeling at work for a while and I am so stressed and so over it right now, I sneak away to cry in the bathroom. Yep, I gave my notice without something lined up, and I do always land on my feet, but right now I am just one big ball of upset.


I have been doing my best to do the right thing on the way out, making it a smooth transition and being helpful, offering a 3 week notice and offering to extend that one more week if they want me here longer to train my replacement, which I know my current boss does.

I was just told that I would be supporting this other new VP as of May 1st with NO accompanying increase in pay, which was the bulls**t treatment that got me to snap and quit in the first place. We assistants are worth less than staplers to these jerks, and I promptly emailed HR, my boss and my temp agency to ask how my pay rate would be adjusted to reflect those new duties for my last week/s. I am NOT taking this bending over,  period.

Bri and I also realized this morning our energy needs are greater than we realized, and I guess this is why Dr. Graham is big on calorie counting for at least the first month or so. I need about 2000 cals/energy units per day, Bri needs about 3000, and I know we've not been meeting those needs. But now we are, and shall continue to do to. It's not always easy, especially when eating mostly fruit, but well worth it.

Right now I just have to hang in there, ride out this depression at work and KNOW that it will all turn around in time. This is what one author I love calls "living the split", when you are literally straddling the two worlds; the one you are leaving behind and the one you are creating. I am so ready to step into the new one. Enough already.

freedom in this body!

My relationship to my body is a long and complex one, as I'm sure it is for so many.

I was a slim and healthy child while traveling the world with my mother, but once I returned to the states with her and started spending loads of time with my grandparents and around kids eating the standard american diet (pure crap like cheese balls and McDs!) I became a slightly pudgy kid.  I was intensely aware of this at an alarmingly early age. I can recall a road trip with my grandparents and my uncle when I was only about 8 or 9, wherein the jeans that fit me when we left didn't within days and I began to cry in a feverish panick, dropping to the ground to exercise rather adamantly in the hopes I could reverse it immediately while my well meaning family laughed. They still tell that story and find it terribly amusing. To this day it makes me want to cry and scream.  From there, I went through overeating, bulimia on and off for 10 years, obsessive dieting and calorie counting, obsessive exercising (though some was very joyful for me too) and alternated between being very fit and lean or about 30 pounds overweight for the rest of my life. 

My relationship to exercise wasn't completely unhealthy, I really enjoyed it and learned to love soreness and enjoy that lactic acid burn, and of course to relish the results when they came. But I was sometimes rather unbalanced in my physical endeavors; pushing myself too hard too suddenly when I felt I'd let myself slide for too long, inevitably leading to injury or disappointment, even exhaustion. Sometimes I'd punish myself for not being what I wanted physically, even hitting myself sometimes when I couldn't make changes fast enough and hated what I saw in the mirror. It's been a very strange journey for me and my body.

Now I feel a lot of love for her, though I feel I could easily lose 30 pounds again and be incredibly happy in that lightness...and I know it's coming...with fruitarianism and a new calling I feel from deep down inside.  Where I was once a Jane Fonda addict, even starting and teaching an aerobics club in high school, and a sporadic runner, gym rat and all around home video workout fanatic...I feel a different compulsion now, a much more freeing one. Perhaps it's because of the fruity shift. Perhaps it's just divine timing that I crave both, but I now feel no call towards weight training, step aerobics, treadmills, running, or any of that sort of work I once loved and pushed onto myself alternately.  No, now what I crave are things that feel like playtime to me; expressions of myself in this beautiful body like ecstatic freedance, yoga, even eventually taking trapeze so I can experience the feelings of flight and exploring my body playfully through acrobatics I have never attempted before.  That always seemed to be for the skinny people, the dancers...even when I WAS slim and fit I never felt I could let go that way.  Now, it's all I think of when it comes to exercise and breaking a good sweat; yoga, trance dance and trapeze.  The feeling of exploring the body and healing from a cellular level via movement, vibration, breath and intention now seems to me like the only road my body wants to travel...and because she has endured so much, because she loves me unconditionally when I was unable to return in kind, because she is my hero...I will take this journey with her and let her lead me down the path that makes my body SMILE.  I feel it when I'm in triangle pose, camel pose, Kundalini Lotus, downward facing dog. It's literally this full body smile that finally spreads across my face and I feel liberated and connected to her at the same time.  And when I allow myself to move spontaneous and freely with music, eyes closed and really allowing the moves to guide me into a state of intoxicated bliss...it's beyond words.

Maybe someday I will feel called to return to some of the old "workouts" I loved so much...maybe not?  This is like a 40 year marriage finally coming into a place of exploring tantra with a partner, seeing them as your beloved; worshipping at the altar of that love with honesty, purity and freedom.

I love this beautiful body of mine...and look forward to exploring this incredible world of ours through her with lightness of being and total trust. ;)

worth a shot?

Maybe it's Mercury in retrograde, maybe it's just bad technology, but I had a hell of a time trying to post my first blog here the other day. I'll give it one more shot, hoping that was a fluke!

I'm sitting at work, a job I am thrilled to say I will be leaving in a few weeks, sipping a fabulous green smoothie my love made for me this morning.  I love this man so much; he's bright, beautiful, sweet as could be, talented and makes a mean green smoothie! lol It's spinach, banana and dates I believe. It's also the thickest and most dense smoothie I've ever had! It's like pudding, so yummy. But I am mixing it with water to make it a bit lighter and more drinkable. Energy feast though, no doubt. ;)

This morning I had a gorgeous and very sweet/juicy Tuscan melon. I do love those and for some odd reason, even on an empty stomach I find it tough to have more than one at a sitting. I followed that with some fresh raw oj, about 32 ounces over the morning along with water, though I'm sure I could use more of the latter. My mouth gets so dry at the corners when I'm even the slightest bit dehydrated, that's how I know I need to be more on top of it.

Tonight my love and I will do some yummy yoga together, and I'm aiming for getting us to do at least a 20 minute practice of Hatha in the mornings. That's the dream and I know once the fruity power kicks in to the fullest for us we will LEAP out of bed for our practice!

Definitely some cravings to contend with, even when I do get enough calories and water in. When it comes down to it, I either grab an all veg sandwhich or one of those Amy's California veg burgers, which are vegan, and have it on a piece of sprouted grain bread or lettuce. I figure as non-raw, non-fruity foods go, they're not too horrible and eventually those will fall by the wayside too. But they keep me from snapping on those days where the cravings rear their ugly heads. I look forward to the days when that will be but a memory as well...and I can see it, ever so slightly down the road, just up ahead!

oohhh, nevermind

:)

what a couple of weeks!

Bri and I were coasting along with our daily yoga and all fruitarian lifestyle for about 8 days when a couple of things happened that derailed us; he way overdid his cycling one day and was so fatigued I let him have a veg sandwich, and of course I joined him (lol) and then my bday weekend came up and we agreed to a couple of splurges as goodbyes to places and meals we held dear.

Well, with that behind us, we are both so ready to get back to that fabulously energetic lifestyle; daily yoga that we will alternate between Kest Power Yoga and Kundalini, and since we both know now what meditations are especially trans-formative for us according to Kundalini soul numerology we will add those in as well. Not surprisingly, we each found that the very meditation or kriya we are each supposed to do are the ones we each HATE, lol. For him, Sat Kriya, for me, So Darshan Chakra Kriya. Blech! lol Buuut, I also understand how that works and when he told me how much he hated Sat Kriya I had a feeling it was his resistance, and I was right! I also knew instinctively that SDCK was the one I needed the most ages ago...it's the ONE Kundalini meditation that gives me such a hard time and frustrates me tremendously...funny how that works, lol.

I loved reading a few of Dr. Graham's words of wisdom earlier while I was waiting for my cell phone software to be upgraded (oh how I miss the old days sometimes); he talked about continuing to move forward with positivity no matter how slowly you make the shift, and always encourages from a place of total non-judgment. Amazing man really, and that book is literally life changing. I'd wanted to go raw and vegan for so long but always felt like shit when I tried it because of the high fat levels of the usual gourmet raw fare. And now I understand, thanks to Dr. Graham and his book and seminar videos, that the whole candida issue and much of the dis-ease we create via food has to do with fat, and specifically the presence of fats and sugar in the bloodstream at the same time, wreaking havoc. But a lowfat fruity raw life is the healing elixir OF life, period. There is NO other food humans are biologically designed and meant to eat. Fruit is pure energy, cleansing and our one true source of nutritional healing and perfect sustenance for us.

I'm loading up on good clean water, fresh squeezed oj, Tuscan melons, greens for smoothies, etc and embracing this lifestyle with all of my heart and soul.

On another note, the signs pointing us to Portland are incredible and undeniable. I now have quite a handful of new friends up there thanks to all of the people I keep talking to here in LA who are so excited about our move and have such great friends in Portland that they feel compelled to connect me...how marvelous is that?! It just happened now when I was chatting with this adorable family I have known here for years, and found that they too will eventually move up there and have family in Portland and Vancouver, Washington (where they have no state tax, hmm).  This kind of thing has been happening every day! I mean seriously, our new comedy VP at work knew me for all of 5 minutes and when I said I was moving up there in a few months, she had introduced me to two incredible sounding people up there (a writer who is a Guggenheim fellow and an actress) immediately.  I love it!  When we land, with my trusty Honda (thanks mama!) and our Uhaul trailer, cats in the back seat kennel, we will have a good handful of new friends to meet and greet us.

11 years ago when me and my ex decided to move to LA sight unseen, no money saved, no connections here, no clue, we manifested the path within 48 hours and were living here within a month. When it's meant to be, the Universe shows you the way, all you have to do is trust and flow. Bruce Lee said to be like water. He was right. ;)

It's AAAALLLL coming together...we knew it would. ;) Bye bye LA. Bye bye industry douchebags. Bye bye toxic job environment.  We created this beautiful new picture together and we feel it happening already.

Be your own hero every single day. Know your worth, and honor it.  Trust.  Lead with your heart, always.

And as the great yoga teacher,  Pattabhi Jois used to say, "Practice...and all is coming."

Namaste