blithely skipping back in time

Few things bring me instant joy and ubiquitous goosebumps like browsing through wonderful, dusty old used bookstores, album stores (NOT cds mind you, but actual vinyl records) and really great vintage resale shops for clothes and even furniture.  My ideal home would be a luscious Victorian manor or perhaps something even older; a cottage in the magical English or Scottish countryside.  Something with character, warm inviting rooms, fireplaces and woodburning stoves that you need to use because I love that smell and the sensation of being chilled and needing warmth.  A cozy living room with a great turntable and an epic vinyl collection, endless rows of books upon English library shelves, soft rugs underfoot and addictive sofas and chairs for settling in to read or listen to a great record with a strong cup of tea. 

In some ways, technology has brought us closer and made the world feel smaller.  I'm not always certain whether that is a good thing.  Sure, we can call for help almost anywhere with our trusty cell phones but now we all have unreasonable expectations of instant gratification for everything from returned phone calls to ordered goods.  There was a time, not so long ago, when leaving the house meant you were unreachable, untethered, completely free until you returned to your domicile of land lines and cable TV, if you had moved on from the rabbit ears that is. :)  I love texting back and forth with my love, it's sweet and brings us joy. But perhaps just missing one another all day and storing up that passionate energy until we are united at the end of the day might be a better way to live?

In the film "My Dinner With Andre", Andre Gregory talks to Wallis Shawn about the things in life that make us really feel ALIVE.  He mentions the scrumptious feeling of being cold in his New York flat during the winter and how an electric blanket certainly adds luxury and warmth instantly, but it also replaced the energy and intimacy of dashing under the regular covers to snuggle with a loved one for warmth, sharing in a moment of being totally present and joyously alive and together.  That was when the electric blanket was the latest in new technological comfort gadgets. Nowadays we have baseball caps with built in air conditioners and James Bond style spy pens with secret recording devices that anyone can buy.  But was Andre right? Do these things simply put us into a deeper sleep, a less exhilarating state of being day to day?

People say that their iWhores and Crackberries are necessary for work, and they keep them connected.  I disagree.  Commerce trotted along at a steady pace without these devices and all I see lately are people in cafes and elevators with their heads down, frantically scrolling and typing away to someone far, far away when they are surrounded by other live human beings right then and there but would never know it.  Connected?  I don't think so. 

I often wax poetic about the old days, but I freely admit that I love to browse the internet and check my favorite sites for all things Druidic, yogic, etc.  When used conscientiously, the internet is a marvelous tool.  But when it becomes a necessity, who is working for whom?

I long for simplicity, ancient treasures of daily living, and a feeling of connection to the nature around me, not so much the person living thousands of miles away who is helping me to reset my cell phone.  Perhaps this is simply the swinging of the pendulum, which will eventually make its way to the center of being, where we can return to what is real, what is vital and being one with our surroundings in full consciousness. 

In my heart, this is what I believe...this is what I am creating. 

synthesis

Well, it's funny how things change and yet they don't.  For years I've struggled back and forth between the fruitarian raw lifestyle that beckons to my entire being, and the mind telling me I need a Candida cleanse, and recently I decided to compromise and do the latter as a means to the former.  But I'm finding rather odd to eat things like chicken and eggs again, and without things like that the BED lifestyle means just cooked veg, lowfat. Now, I like tasty cooked veg, but cooking every night sucks ass and I've never been too creative about cooking veg. For the most part you either sautee or bake, and that's gotten old so fast my cravings for cheese and that kind of fatty stuff has been intense.

I've stuck to an almond milk Ultra Imflamx shake for breakfast, which I love. I add a spoonful of instant coffee until I get over my crack addiction, lol, and it's not too acidic because of the shake.  For lunch I've been doing lowfat veg sandwhiches with lots of produce. Very yummy. But then what for dinner? I'd have been sipping banana romaine smoothie all damn day if we could find ANY ripe bananas. Why is this such an issue all the time?! Even when we buy lots and hope they will be tiered and timed for perfect rotational ripeness, that never happens. They all seem to go ripe to bad overnight, like we end up with a 2 day window to eat more bananas than we can or want to. And without bananas a green smoothie isn't so great; they puff up and become more like pudding unless you down them fast, and I can't do that, I need to chew, savor and take my time. How frustrating!

But I'm doing the best I can. When we do things like have some tasty Mexican food out or have some yummy dessert I look at it as something that will be gone one day and I do my best not to beat myself up. But I need to find some goof ripe bananas or some other ideas that will keep me on the lowfat, well combined path towards lowfat raw vegan.

I'm working on it. A work in progress, as always...

ch-ch-ch-ch-changes!

Ah, I love me some old school Bowie, from whom I borrowed my blog title for the day.

For years now I have been working on transitioning into a fruitarian or 100% raw vegan lifstyle, with varying levels of success but never feeling really sure footed in the new way of life.  I know it's still where I'm headed and I know it's what my soul wants, but right now I had to admit that my body wants and needs something else.

The other day I was advising a friend recently diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis on the healing power of a something called The Body Ecology Diet, which is really a lifestyle rather than a quick fix, but for me was nothing short of a miracle 11 years ago, the first time I made the commitment to that lifestyle.  It basically involves eliminating ALL dairy, soy, wheat, all forms of sugar and of course all artificial sweeteners, though Stevia was always ok since it has no bearing on blood sugar.  When I did this upon moving to LA it changed everything about me; I had 10 chronic ailments at the time (everything from REALLY bad asthma requiring e/r visits to vaginitis that never seemed to really go away to horrible acid reflux to getting sick at the drop of a hat) and was a generally snippy, unhappy person. I never knew I had it in me to be otherwise. 6 months after diving into BED land I emerged 40 pounds lighter, feeling like the kid I never was, healthier than anyone I knew and beyond what I even knew was possible. I was reborn. I lived on a modified version of that lifestyle for years quite happily. If I wanted an indulgence I could enjoy that with NO feelings of ill effect whatsoever, as long as I stuck with the basics, and I loved it. I even counseled people going through this very tough adjustment at my old job since it was a prescription for so many ills. Well, when I was talking about this lifestyle in terms of how healing it was and how I still believe it to be so beneficial for anyone not ready for raw bliss, my love said to me "why don't you do that for a while right now then to make the transition into raw easier for you?"  Well, I thought of that a few years ago but I'd feel like such a failure by returning to cooked foods and things like eggs and fish that I'd abandon it and try the fruitarian raw thing again and just swung back and forth, ignoring my body and instincts in favor of unproductive guilt.  This time, when he said that, I felt my entire body perk up when she's been miserable lately.  I've felt many of my old symptoms of imbalance creep up on me lately, and felt sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.

So we talked about it and Brian said he had a feeling that for me to do the BED lifestyle for a while to get back to where I was in terms of strength and balance would be a much better starting point for moving into lowfat raw vegan living.  I agree!  I know some folks have miracle healings when they go right into lowfat raw, including candiasis like mine, but I truly feel I need to return to this healing paradigm in order to make this major life change into 811rv, or close to that even.  Yes, it means eating things like fish and eggs, which I was moving away from, and lots of cooked veg but I have to say that yesterday confirmed our suspicions about my needing this.  My lunch of gently cooked egg yolks with lots of sauteed zucchini was tasty and SOOO satisfying.  I also felt detox symptoms immediately, no 24-48 lag for that as it happens when I'm just a little toxic. Nope, this girl needs to clean house! As with the first time I undertook this program, the worse you feel at first, you more you know it's working; die-off sucks, but then later you get that reborn feeling.  For dinner we shared baked salmon with asparagus. Very tasty and I woke up this morning feeling better than I have for a while.

When you have a major candida overgrowth and are this out of balance, even blended smoothies are too much to digest, but cooked veg and cooked lean protein are more manageable for my body. I also take digestive enzymes and some other supplements to aid the cleansing; triphala, and eventually Paragone (which my body loves) and will use a "zapper" like I did the first time. That's a neat little holistic healing device that works via a 9 volt battery in a little black box with leads and metal rods you hold in each hand for about 45 minutes per day to send a very mild electric current through the surface tissues of the body to literally "zap" buggers and beasties so the body can flush them away.  These little gems can help all sorts of issues, from skin conditions and rashes to feeling a cold coming on.

I'm also going to implement some forms of cardio for getting the blood flowing, sweating out more toxins and cleaning out the lungs.  This week we might hit a roller rink for some fun on wheels! I was a roller addict as a kid and got to be pretty good so that will come back to me with some practice, and what a great way to get cardio, leg and core work! Brian and I could take to the beach for some great outdoor rolling too. :)

Having the full support of my love, who is doing very well in his transition into fruitarianism makes all the difference.  He said not to look at it as going backwards or feeling guilty; this will put me in the perfect state of health and balance to make a nice easy transition to lowfat raw so it will be joyful and empowering. He's right!

It definitely feels strange to be cooking again, but just like last time I embarked on this healing journey I find 7-10 dishes I love that are easy to prepare and just work from there.  And it's hard to go wrong with fresh veg cooked in coconut oil with onions and garlic, or my homemade veggie stew. Once I'm nice and strong inside again, I can digest all the fruit and greens my body wants and get all of my aminos that way. For now, I'll get them via cooked eggs and some fish.  A small sacrifice for the greater good. I know this is the right choice because of how excited I am! Like a surge of electricity going through my body that tells me "yes! this is what we really need right now!"

Like spokes on a wheel, Brian and I are starting from different points but will eventually meet in the middle. ;)

a few thoughts and words on teachers and yogis

Ok, since this is where I get to sound off about things both positive and negative, I'm going to address something very much in my scopes lately.  On the subject of teachers, of all kinds, I am finding a MAJOR pool of complete and utter hypocrites out there.  For example, let's look at the subject of yoga teachers.  Sure, many folks come into a yoga room just looking for a little stress relief, strength building, increase of flexibility or a good "workout". But whatever the intention of the seeker, yoga is NOT merely a physical discipline for better buns. You can come into the room thinking that's all you're getting, but it doesn't work that way.  Yoga is a sacred and ancient tradition about the totality of ones' lifestyle.  To call yourself a yogi or a teacher of yoga implies a great amount of work having gone into your own issues and I think it safe to say that most students presume a certain level of humility and balance exists within their teachers.  Do they have to be perfect? Of course not, but living out here in the land of the celebrity yogis and yoginis I have witnessed and heard many things that make my skin crawl, all coming from this pool of teachers allegedly there to guide you through an often difficult journey into the deepest aspects of yourself via the asanas.  Womanizing, acting like Sean Penn when a student or "civilian" recognizes one of the millionaire DVD wonders, major issues are money that manifests as dishonesty and greed; in short, the kinds of behaviors you really, really do not want to deal with from your yoga instructor.

The first line of Patanjali's Yoga Sutras, one of the most important ancient texts in the world of yoga and the text which allegedly guides all yogis, states that yoga is controlling the thought waves of the mind in order to avoid suffering.  I'm paraphrasing, but that is definitely the gist of it.  Now, I have spoken with male yoga teachers who have rather candidly admitted to dating their way through their students, blaming it on the "skimpy outfits" some women wear in classes and how they are "only human."  Perhaps they are.  But if you are standing in front of me in a yoga room, teaching me an ancient, sacred art for healing and self empowerment I want to KNOW that you have the emotional maturity to cease thinking of students of either gender as sex objects. It's really not that difficult, and if you have studied yoga to the point of glorious acrobatics and earning millions of dollars per year from DVD sales and sold out classes around the world and somehow managed to skip over that opening passage of the Sutras, you need to have your teaching certification revoked to start over again because obviously you missed the most important aspects of the teachings.

Then I have witnessed some baffling things, like single people becoming wealthy self help gurus focusing on how people can create the relationship of their dreams with the right partner for them....sorry, HOW can you claim to help others in this capacity if you yourself have not managed to create or attract this into your life?  Would a smoker pay someone still smoking to teach them how to quit? Of course not, that would be ridiculous.  But watching therapists counsel people on weight issues when they are obese (seen it myself folks) or well meaning folks saying that they are meant to be single until they help others to create wonderful partnerships just sounds like a lot of bullshit to me.  The best teachers in the world teach by example, not gum-flapping.  Walk the talk or it's all meaningless.  I recently asked someone I know who is building a very abundant life as a relationship life coach whether he was in a relationship.  He said he was not, so I naturally asked how he felt he could counsel others when he hasn't managed this for himself yet (and he does want one).  He had all manner of excuses at the ready but they were just that; excuses.  When you resort to excuses, you're already in the major bullshit territory in my opinion.  I didn't confront him, just said I appreciated the answers and found them interesting.  But a few moments later, between that and the recent revelation that a very famous "yogi" was quite the womanizing "dog" (and not an upward dog either, lol) I really felt I had to vent here.

Folks, do your research.  When someone presents themselves to you with the answers for all of your problems, or even one of your problems, make sure they have addressed their own to some pleasant ends.  Otherwise it's really just a charlatan selling snake oil at your expense.  When you see someone radiating with pure joy, who is honest about their challenges and yet managed to create the life they desire and continue to grow and share in those ups and downs, grab them with both hands and never let go because apparently they are incredibly rare.

At the end of the day, a yoga teacher is not necessarily a Yogi.  There is a world of difference.  The student practicing at home with a video-tape might honestly declare themselves to be a true yogi because of their purity of heart and totality in understanding the scope and breadth of the teachings, whereas a teacher of 20+ years might call himself a yogi and really only be teaching a physical workout without living yoga.  Shiva Rea, who IS a shining example of a true Yogini as far as the yoga community reports (even those who are close to her) often says that she is not interested in practicing yoga, rather she is committed to living yoga.  Big difference.

Knowing the two polar ends of the spectrum exist out there, my prayer is that all true yogis and yoginis in the making find honest teachers who are living the path day by day, and that all of the lonely hearts who seek connection realize that their greatest asset in this search lies within and not without.

Namaste...Om Shanti.

so proud of myself!

listen, I think we could all use a little more self love.  even the most enlightened among us find it all too easy to let that critical inner voice take over, or the societal norm of referring to certain behaviors and foods as "bad" or "naughty".  once you slap a judgmental label on anything, you shift the energy of whatever it is. we know this, we're all energy beings living in an energy universe. but it's oh-so-easy to forget and blackslide into small moments of self punishment that build over time and lead to a fractured relationship with ourselves as best.

so I am taking this moment to stop and really hug myself for getting up at 6:15am to do some kundalini yoga for detox before work. it just hit me this very moment how wonderful that is, when I so very much wanted to sleep for another hour.  but I chose another path this morning, and while it wasn't easy and my body felt stiff and sleepy, even sore in spots from too much acidic fare and too little yoga the past few days, I still did my yoga, modified where needed without regard to ego (much, lol), and made sure I did 30 minutes worth so I still had plenty of time for the rest of my morning.  what's nice is that regardless of the rest of the day, I did something really powerful and special for myself already, anything else is just gravy...or the cherry on top of the smoothie. ;)

what I envision as my daily ritual, ultimately, is a full hour of yoga every morning and on some days a second set later in the day as well.  something about a yogic bookend to the day seems really wonderful to me; the a.m. set awakens the body, stills the mind after hours of frantic venting dreams, and prepares your nervous system for the day ahead.  the p.m. set releases all the tension accumulated throughout the day, relaxes the mind again and prepares you for a restful, healing nights' sleep.  doesn't that sound lovely?! and it doesn't have to mean doing 2-3 hours of yoga per day, though personally that sounds like heaven to me.  it can mean a 20 minute set upon waking and a 20 minute set before bed, whatever works.

today I did a morning detox yoga set, specifically focused on loving your liver.  whoever you are and wherever you live, your liver needs love.  thankfully there are yoga exercises specifically designed to offer the support and healing your liver needs, and let's just think for a moment about all that the liver does for us; it filters everything, even bacteria, from the blood, synthesizes glycogen, which is the only fuel the brain can utilize and is the seat of anger energy in the body.  is there anyone out there who never experiences anger? of course not, so emotionally and physically, this is an important aspect of Self to address with yoga and intention.  since I only did the first of 2 sets on this particular yoga DVD this morning, perhaps tonight I will add the second set to fully round out the detox day.

it's the baby steps, the little victories every day that we need to applaud and savor.  positive reinforcement has always worked so much better for me than negative. i think most, if not all, people feel the same way deep down.  stop for a moment and think about what you have done so far today; find at least one thing that you think is really wonderful, no matter how small it may be.  did you skip coffee in favor of tea or fresh juice? did you spend a few extra minutes cuddling with your partner before getting up? did you take a quick shower to conserve water? let someone in while driving when you didn't have to? we all do lovely things all the time that go unnoticed, wthout acknlowledgment. let's change that trend and create a new one.

congratulate yourself on something, anything wonderful you did today, even if just in thought or theory. give yourself an energetic and maybe even a physical hug.  close your eyes and tell yourself "thank you, I love you" out loud, until you BELIEVE it and FEEL it. i know it might feel a bit ridiculous at first, but every cell in your body will vibrate with love, a higher vibrational frequency, and eveything changes. everything.

drop the pebble in the pond, and see what happens.

om shanti

welcoming the changes

ah change, the one constant and something with which we must all contend.  sometimes I love change and dive into it with abandon. sometimes I loathe change and resent that it takes me beyond my illusion of control and out of my comfort zone. fie! but ultimately, it always abolishes stagnation and creates growth, I know this.  once again, I find myself feeling claustrophobic within this redhead persona I created and have lived in for about 6 years now.  it's gorgeous, I get compliments on it every day, but I miss my natural palette. my last attempt to reclaim it ended in such hair damage I went back to henna red purely for the hair healing.  now I am doing it myself, for now anyway, and found I could bump my dark auburm tresses to a fun apricot color. after giving my hair time to rest I will perhaps try the Luminizor my prior hairdresser used toget it to a strawberry blonde...and then I'm almost there, with thickness and waves in tact, back to looking and feeling like the natural ME. ;)

it might sound like a trivial thing over which to obsess, but for me it is symbolic of many aspects, of my self and my life.  redhead me is fun, but it's like wearing a costume in some ways.  blonde me is just me...relaxed, beautiful, natural and easy. and more and more I crave nothing but simplicity and ease in my life, in all things. i no longer feel the need to rage against the machine, create a persona or use energy for anything beyond living and enjoying life in the moment. I want my surroundings to be clean, light and simple. I want my morning routine to be uplifting, inspiring and simple. I want my prosperity flow to be independently generated, abundant, joyful and to come to me with great ease...I want to float with the stream, not swim against it.

even something as superficial as cleaning out my car has yielded a wonderful feeling of overall lightness, and a desire to let that energy spread throughout my life. i literally pulled about 50 pounds worth of crap from that little car and lightened my load...how liberating! and now everything from the size of my purse to my head needs to be simplified...let's see what happens. ;)

ah shiva!

You know, it's funny how we move through different shifts and trends in our lives.  A couple of years ago I bought this fabulous Shiva Rea yoga DVD called Yoga Shakti; filmed by the same DP who shot "Memoirs of a Geisha" so it is visually luscious, and filmed in exotic, breathtaking locations, the DVD itself offers almost 4 hours of yoga chapters you can either do in preset classes or you can create your own class, with or without verbal instructions and always with some of the coolest and loveliest music around.  So I would put it on and watch it and listen to it and think "wow, that looks like fun."  But did I actually DO it? Nope. For some odd reason, I loved watching it but would then turn to other DVDs for practice, go figure.  Until now. :)

Maybe it's the unspoken influence of my new boss, who is good friends with Shiva and considers those her favorite classes on earth. Maybe it was just time for a shift towards more of the powerful feminine energy of Shiva. But suddenly recently I absolutely LOVE creating my customized Yoga Shakti class.  Last night I knew I wanted to experience a good class but felt a bit tired and drained from my cycle, and knowing it was the weekend of the full moon I wanted to honor that energy as well.  I did the lunar cycle yoga; a more yin energy vinyasa flow class that begins with some wonderful fluid warmups you could do anytime, followed by a lovely moon salutation set, then about 20 minutes of forward bends and deep twists for rejuvenation, then meditation and shavasana. I literally passed out at the end; not from over-exertion, but from pure yogic bliss.

The days prior when I felt more energetic I did my own version of a solar cycle; vigorous ashtanga a&b warmups followed by a few Dancing Warrior segments (basically vinyasa with leg extensions and fluid movements within warrior stance), back bend series, followed by the same delicious forward bends and twists, sometimes the inversions chapter as well (a lengthy series of shoulderstands and plough positions). There is quite a variety to be had here; anything from very approachable and gentle yoga to options that can make you sweat your toxins and cares away.  Now I love DOING this more than watching it.

This morning my love and I dove headfirst back into green smoothie heaven after sharing a lovely Indian meal last night.  It was incredibly tasty, that meal, but we both found ourselves terribly thirsty from the salt and really clogged today from the dairy.  But a brekkie of a green smoothie has me feeling much better.

Here was my morning recipe:
1 cup of spring water
an entire head of romaine lettuce
2 stalks of celery
generous handful of fresh mint leaves
4 medium sized ripe bananas

Wow, that was tasty and loaded with minerals, electrolytes and valuable carbs and enzymes.  We had slowly but surely drifted away from our progress into the fruitarian way, but now we're both feeling called back to what makes us feel the most radiant and energized; fresh fruit, leafy greens, minimal raw fats. Pure and simple in every way.  And with my increasing connection to a daily yoga practice, I feel the deep need for a life-giving diet to support this important aspect of my life.  When eating even "healthy" cooked foods I feel less flexible, have less energy and take longer to recover.  With greens and fruit fueling my body I feel and can do anything. I want to fly within these asanas that I love, I want to glide beside my love on our ivory bicycles and I want to feel fearless and inspired to explore this world...but to do that I need some things to come alive for me. On this sunny and gorgeous morning, I feel those things coming to life.

There is NO doubt in my mind or my cells that what we eat creates our experience of life on this earth and in these bodies.  Eating cooked foods, devoid of enzymes and life force, is a tasty slow death. And like drug addicts who know what they are doing will ultimately kill them but cannot seem to stop, leaving cooked food behind forever is a very big adaptation to ask of oneself.  In the end, I suppose it comes down to which "wants" in your life are more powerful, more urgent.  My life is so full of joy, love and endless blessings, I want to be here as fully as possible as long as possible and to feel complete freedom within the human body, rather than feeling trapped and heavy in this temple as I await spiritual liberation.  I want spiritual liberation and freedom within the body to exist simultaneously, united every moment. True yoga.  I want to explore life with my beautiful partner, my furry children, my dear family and friends, and ultimately with our own children. To express my soul's song through my creativity and my work, to see and feel the world and to create a sacred space called home that exceeds even our dreams.  And right now, mercifully, nothing is stronger than that.

Om Shanti. :)